Shamrocking old Sandhurst

“Hey, rich bitch!” squawks the emaciated ice junkie skipping along the Bendigo street Jack Daniels can in hand.

Her target, an elderly woman lugging two Salvos bags, looks bewildered as the sprite runs past her, grabs an abandoned receipt from the footpath, shouts “11 dollars” and uses it to wipe her backside before dancing out in front of traffic.

One car brakes, to a barrage of abuse from the poisonous little imp. A second car stops, to the same calumny, before she scampers off toward the mall.

It’s not the first oddity since arriving at the iconic heritage Shamrock Hotel. A touched bloke bellowing ‘Stewie’s got a grand!’ over and over ran past me as I hauled my bags into the pub.

Inside, I found three kids’ swim pools of brown water ceiling leaks around the ornate stairwell. In reception. Just a spit from the framed Charles and Diana newspaper clips when the pub reopened after a major reno 40 years ago.

Settling in, the room didn’t match the website pics, much smaller. Reception staff were happy to provide another room, no charge, unfortunately it wasn’t any bigger. Then third time lucky, larger room, and again no charge. Lovely staff.

In the interim, my small three-piece cohort discovered various human hairs in a nearby eatery, Mexican staff who didn’t know what nachoes were, street smokers all over their al fresco dining, over-cooked fish, more nuffies singing and yelling on the street, and local louts hollering at them from their car.

In the morning, a poor, prone bloke is snoring on the footpath in front of my car outside the hotel. Should’ve invited him in for breakfast but even he might have been disappointed with the over-priced mangy big breakfast and burnt coffee. Then again, of course …

Makes you feel sad about an historical showcase like the Shamrock. It’s a pretty place this old pile. Loads of colourful leadlight, thick carpet, polished timber bannisters, cream columns, lithographs and daguerreotypes of old Sandhurst, dimpled leather Chesterfields, printed wallpaper, mosaic tiling, timber balconies, flowers, palms, giant mirrors, ceiling roses, marble mantles and fireplaces, chandeliers … seriously pretty, truth be told.

Anyway, checking out, the boss turned sour and reneged on the day before’s complimentary upgrade.

Maybe I should’ve mentioned the dirty carpet, stained sheets, lack of wi-fi, bathroom vents or fans, and 7am drinkers under our window but figured if they needed the extra $27 so badly I ought to let it slide.

Magic, mischief and misdirection

Image: Scene from A Haunting in Venice,  20th Century Studios

 

Easily thrown off script, I am, especially by subjects such as the supernatural, mysteries, bushrangers, UFOs … that sort of thing. Several events have distracted me lately from my usual ruminations. Not getting a lot of work done, fitful slumber, glazed eyeballs.

I’m blaming Hercule Poirot’s latest cinematic outing, A Haunting in Venice, a spooky little affair but there might be more to blame than just its seances, corpses and ghostly apparitions on high rotation in my grey matter. Maybe some cosmic, ectoplasmic confluence.

Weird, I know. But why am I being bombarded all of a sudden by stuff about Arthur Conan Doyle’s 1920 Aussie tour spruiking all things spiritualist?

And how do things come together like Ned Kelly’s long missing skull suddenly re-appearing on the anniversary of his mentor Harry Power’s death?

And UFOs, too. Suddenly, the invites are piling up to see/hear/meet various experts after the recent spine-tingling US Congress depositions about little green men being more real than I already thought.

Wouldn’t be so creeped out if these weren’t all riddled with local and personal links.

Conan Doyle’s pre-Poirot Sherlock Holmes was based on a Scottish surgeon named Joseph Bell. He operated on Geelong’s George Morrison, son of Geelong College founder also George, after he was speared by New Guinea tribesmen on a ridiculous newspaper jungle race across the island.

The Aussie Sherlock Holmes Society has been headed up by Geelong’s Derham Groves, author and authority on the great fictional detective, and go-to expert on Aussie culture from TV to kebab shops. Ask him about Geelong’s Happy Hammond; there’s a great joke there about coconuts, a hurricane and a precocious brat on his TV show.

Conan Doyle was mad about seances, spiritualism. Toured Oz in 1920 rambling on about the subject, drew huge audiences. At one stage he was mates with Harry Houdini, also keen on spiritualism, and especially on exposing its shonks, including Doyle’s missus. Didn’t end well.

Couple of unhappy endings also for Ned and Harry, one floating in the Murray, the other dangling at the end of an Old Melbourne Gaol rope. Harry about this time of year, I’m being told by the bombarders. Ned, of course, on that iconic day, the 11th of the 11th.

Did their tours of Geelong in the day. Gentleman highwayman Harry ran under his real name, Henry Johnson. Ned tagged along as a 14-year-old apprentice. They stayed in a pub on Ryrie Street across from James Street.

“Poor Ned, you’re better off dead,” goes the old song but his post-execution, post-autopsy head went missing forever. A bloke in WA thought he had it for a while, no idea why, given it apparently looked like a female skull, but the real thing’s surfaced again, in bits, at the old Pentridge Prison cemetery where it was relocated from the Old Melbourne Goal.

Ned’s remains were shuffled around like a Contiki tour, they tried to RIP him in no less than three different places. The autopsy had separated his sconce from his skeleton, and it was put it in a toolbox beside him.

DNA detective work eventually sorted it all out but talk about a mess. Almost as bad as the perennial stuff-ups by museums trying to exhibit the Kelly Gang’s armour. Could’ve been worse, I suppose. No kudos in your bits winding up as a tobacco pouch like purportedly happened to Dan Morgan.

As for UFOs, well where do you start? Sightings over Shell, off Apollo Bay, Belmont Common? Written them all up. I did like the Manifold Heights clairvoyant who said she saw missing Bass Strait pilot Fred Valentich hanging out with air force pilots in her visions.

Might just have to take up one of these invitations to hear more about the US intelligence defence encounters with hundreds of UAPs, as they’re now called – Unidentified Anomalous Phenomena.

NASA’s put up a study into them but found no evidence they’re extraterrestrial, even if some are still unexplained. Is it possible we’re in a Men in Black world with aliens all around us already?

Certainly think that from time to time when I go through the mall.

Incidentally, my granny and her sisters saw Houdini flying his Voison biplane out at Diggers Rest, present-day Plumpton, back when they were little girls, when he wasn’t jumping off bridges into the Yarra in chains and dislodging a drowned corpse that came floating to the surface in a grisly spectacle.

Love that trick. Old Harry wasn’t ever beyond a good bit of prestidigitation. Just don’t get it, though, why a clever bloke like Sherlock Holmes refused to see through his tricks, Maybe something in that pipe he was smoking – that’ll distract you every time, especially today, Friday the 13th.

Postcards from the heartland …

Long-standing joke in my family is that the many French letters my grandmother was sent by her Gallic aunt a century ago were addressed to her at ‘Truganina Loose Bag’.

Pretty cruel, really. She was a darling thing. Widowed at 47 with eight kids, she drew on country girl nous garnered on the rocky windswept plains of Truganina and Tarneit to get through. And did so admirably.

The letters were actually postcards – of rivers, mountains, snowy forests, buildings, bridges, farms – most of them out of old France, the Vosges, the Alsace, more than a century ago, many of them during the Great War. Shots of soldiers at the Pyramids, in the trenches or on the march are peppered through the collection. One shows a road where her great grandmother was stalked by wolves.

Sad story. Granny’s aunt, sister of her dad, came out to Oz in 1873 with their parents, fleeing Strasbourg in the aftermath of the Franco-Prussian war. The aunt was sent home to her grandmother after a couple of years in an orphanage when her mother died of TB months after her arrival. Her brothers were sent up country to friends. Her dad remarried.

.   

Been scouring through the postcards looking for info that might help inform a neat project going on in what’s officially Tarneit but what we always called Truganina: Granny’s old 1877 bluestone home, burnt out in the 1969 fires that ravaged the area, is being rebuilt.

All by the City of Wyndham. Costing a small bomb but looks quite remarkable. Heritage restoration building works have taken place already to secure the building’s structural integrity and renders are up online showing café plans for its future. All very smart looking and positioned as it is, beside a large park and plenty of homes, it’s already attracting interest from potential operators.

Place is called Remiremont. It was built by William Doherty in 1877, bought and farmed by my great grand-pere Louis Valentine Paul Didier in 1903 and named for his French home, and stayed in the family with his son Paul until 1956.

LV Paul Didier’s sister Jeanne’s postcards were sent regularly and broach harvests, seasons, music and birthdays but assume a more sober tone with the onset of war; the carte postale images changing from bucolic landscapes to ambulance wagons, bombsites, military parades and uniforms, battle scenes, bombings and wounded soldiers.

Jeanne was a single girl, an English and German teacher, living in Epinal, on the Moselle River, in rural France’s Vosges mountains about 20km from Remiremont. The area pops up occasionally in coverage of the Tour de France.

While she was boning up on her linguistics skills with the correspondence, the cards were pored over at Remiremont, Tarneit, by her young nieces; their exotic European allure a captivating, all-but-unreachable destination – as much as Australia was to their author who penned a raft of letters as well. Both towns became bywords for the family’s sense of history.

Tourist guide books don’t give a great deal away about Epinal. Some go as far as to advise against going there. Don’t heed what they say. You might even thank them. If anything, they’re protecting the charm of this provincial capital on the edge of the Vosges Mountains.

Epinal straddles the Moselle River, a little off the tourist beaten track and about 85 km southwest of the Alsace’s famous city Strasbourg. The only reason this scribe ventured anywhere near it was to investigate the home of this long-dead relative who  sent the often poignant postcards to Australia.

The cards, hundreds of them, were a source of mystery and deep fascination. The images of these cards varied greatly. A great many were military, most of the others tourism- oriented – all of them might be considered historical documents. There are soldiers squatting in trenches, exhausted Moroccans returning from the front, helmeted guards with rifles at hand watching over vital railway lines, army vehicles negotiating dangerous mountain paths, memorials to the fallen.

Then there are buildings, idyllic mountain scenes, stone fords, parks, fountains, the Moselle in flood, dour-looking family groups, churches , streetscapes, houses set on hillsides. And virtually all of these in a faraway romantic monochrome haze – one that seems to even soften the harsh image of German prisoners of war being marched through town. In return for all these, great grand-pere sent Australian newspapers back to his sister to use in her job as an English teacher.

The mutual correspondence went on for decades, all of which made Epinal, for this scribbler, a place of great curiosity. Remarkably, visiting the town from getting on to a century’s distance not much had changed. The parks, memorials, bridges, churches, buildings, are largely still in place. The town square has changed little and the Moselle still flows through the heart of town.

What was surprising to learn was the town history. Its foundation dates back to a 10th century monastery built by the Bishop of Metz. The town soon became a political, economic and cultural centre at the crossroads of four nations:  Lorraine, Alsace, Burgundy and Champagne. In the 18th and 19th centuries, it developed a reputation as the world capital of popular print-making, an industry which still flourishes to this day in a working museum-gallery, the Imagerie.

Epinal claims to be the most wooded town in France, with the forest galore, and it is a Mecca for hiking, horse-riding, mountain-biking, camping, sailing and fishing. It boasts numerous festivals – street theatre, comic theatre, music and international piano competitions – plus art houses and museums, flower arrangements everywhere and of course all the charm of its many centuries-old townhouses, churches and provincial architecture.

With any luck, Epinal’s charms will remain intact for some time yet, especially if the guidebooks continue to recommend against visiting.

Travel bites: Euphoric redemption in Bali

A downward dog-led economic recovery is probably not what you’d expect to counter the Covid/volcano/earthquake/tsunami-led tourism recession of recent years in Indonesia’s Ring of Fire.

For one thing, yoga fanaticism, spiritual con artists – think breatharians and didgeridoo healing – were around before the ongoing flight cancellations of late.

But sticking your bum in the air in a steaming, oxygen-depleted environment in an idyllic jungle mountainside has its merits. And that taps into the Balinese economy in a reasonably big way.

You’ll lose weight, to dehydration. You’ll feel euphoric, to heat frustration. You’ll feel achievement, to the weight-loss euphoria.

For people who in their youth might have frequented the booze-holes and fleshpots of Legian and Kuta, smoking dope and scoffing magic mushrooms, it’s probably kind of redemptive. Or something.

It’s neat to fly for six hours to buy a sense of spiritual tranquillity amid a deeply religious Hindu community surrounded by natural and human disasters of a scale unimaginable to your average clueless Aussie.

But con artists, faux spiritualism and healing, yoga fanaticism and Australia prices are once again the norm in post-Covid Bali.

This is across Bali. The idyllic mountain and inland villages and towns of the beautiful Indonesian island. Not just the Legians and Canggus with their booze-riddled churls and phone-addicted narcissists.

The latter remain tide-recycling rubbish tips with fancy hotels years as before ago. It’s surfing and ocean swimming where Bali belly comes from these days, as often as anywhere else.

Up in the hills, by contrast, the palms and bougainvillea, the paddies and river gorges, are ever-increasingly frequented by travelling souls seeking spiritual succour and purpose in a steaming, sweating contortion. It’s a downward dog redemption against their Western follies and prodigal excesses.

Big little changes to how you live

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ll know housing in Australia is changing. Has been for quite some time.

Tighter lots, increasingly prolific renewable energy, gas on the way out, recycled water, floor plans changing to work from home, the shrinking back yard, are all the norm. Today’s greenfield communities are far removed from the raw, bare estates of old.

These changes, however, are about to be ramped up big time. Or small big time to be more accurate.

Think more smaller homes, townhomes and townhouses, apartments, terrace homes. In the greenfields as well as established urban areas. Think many, many more. Medium density’s coming your way and it is going to be snapped up by a largely unserviced market hungry for affordable, low-maintenance and quality homes. It’s started already, in fact.

Numerous factors are driving this change. The over-arching factors are price, inadequate land supply, soaring migration numbers, demand – and governments anxious about financing new infrastructure in the greenfields and keen to ramp up urban growth around existing infrastructure. Then there’s also lifestyle options where buyers don’t want big houses, preferring easy-to-maintain smaller homes; buyers such as first home buyers, singles, downsizers.

Given the competitive nature of the property market, it’s no surprise to find developers, architects, designers, builders and planners upping the ante of small homes in terms of design, quality, craftsmanship and delivery.

The recently-released book Housing Evolution: Towards Better Medium-Density Design (UWA Publishing) is a powerful catalogue of how this transition is unfolding, what it looks like, of designers throwing themselves at it with a passion and the striking results they’re achieving. It’s been compiled by Western Australia’s Office of the Government Architect, Development WA and staff and students of the UWA School of Design.

   

“The ability to flex, adapt and evolve is becoming increasingly vital to respond to the challenges our world is now facing – and nowhere is this more evident than in our communities,” says DWA’s Dean Mudford.

“Housing design is evolving to address this challenge and this has given birth to exciting new urban precincts that deliver smarter density and diversity, including safety, connection, a greater sense of community and, importantly, affordability. By taking a strategic approach to designing housing with a diverse range of approaches to density, we can address community concerns and make the case for innovation.

   

“We can demonstrate how under-utilised pockets of urban land can be reimagined into thriving neighbourhoods where you can walk to work, shops, cafes, parks and public transport. While the nature of housing is changing, the importance of homes and community remains at the core of our society. Everyone wants to come home to a place where they feel safe, connected, comfortable and free to make choices that suit their lifestyle.”

These sentiments are echoed in the likes of developer  Villawood Properties’ approach to building new communities to include a greater proportion of premium medium density homes. Its VillaRange suite of small homes, on separate land titles as opposed to many other MD offerings, is a telling precursor to what’s shaping up as a powerful watershed for the housing sector.

VillaRange is geared directly toward a part of the market long ignored by the industry: people anxious to buy but kept at arm’s length by the tyranny of price. These homes smash that barrier while upping the ante in significant terms not previously addressed for this type of housing – central location, access to amenities and services, social networks, community opportunities.

     

Building homes is one thing, building communities is another, of course. And VillaRange (above) reflects a maturity and responsibility in urban design that is setting benchmarks for competitors. It’s part of a strategy of community sustainability that’s intrinsic to Villawood’s MO. An ethos delivered through a diversity of lot options, swathes of open space, recreation, retail and social facilities, and financial community support.

Villawood provides community infrastructure years ahead of what local councils or government might, or even can, provide. It’s a key part of how Australian housing is changing. As housing demand continues to grow, it’s the astute, caring and innovative urban designers who will best shape the future.

As Dean Mudford says: “The way our towns and homes were designed in the past is no longer sustainable and we need to be smarter about the way we use our land and resources to ensure our cities are well-positioned for the future.”

Unidentified anomalous role models

Above: A Mayan space traveller as suggested by Erich von Daniken in his Chariots of the Gods

 

STARLOG PALINDROME 230623: Was getting worried there for a bit. No signs of intelligent life trying to make contact with Earth for quite some time.

Makes you wonder what kind of future our kids might have without someone somewhere out there looking out for them.

But then an email came out of the ether from my mates at Close Encounters Australia. An Unidentified Anomalous Phenomena update. They’re UAPs, not UFOs these days if you didn’t realise. And there’s a seminar coming up on all things extra-terrestrial – whistleblowers, recovered craft, bodies …

Plenty going on once again, it seems. Thank Buddha. I was mightily pleased also by website thedebrief.org assuring me: ‘Intelligence officials say US has retrieved craft of non-human origin.’ And that this important news is being illegally withheld from the US Congress.

Curious, however, that NASA’s meant to be on the job with a 16-member taskforce of astronomers, technologists, astrobiologists, physicists, and astronaut Scott Kelly, trying to nut out just what UAPs are. But coming up empty-handed.

What the? Something’s going on, my conspiracy antenna tells me.

They reckon the UAPs/UFOs are just commercial aircraft, balloons, even radiation from microwave ovens. Nothing extra-terrestrial. What would they know? Their astronauts have been driving across the US in nappies and getting thrown in the slammer.

And the brightly-lit UFO in Las Vegas recently? Nothing doing, says NASA. Clearly they didn’t see the same eight-foot-tall alien on video in a back yard that I saw online?

All right, all right, it might have been an LA Laker in a onesie on a lost weekend but why are they so quiet about it?  Something fishy going on, I reckon.

I’d hate to lose our fascination, imagination and trepidation about aliens, extraterrestrial oddities and sub-orbital flights of fancy to the subjugating forces of common sense. Worse still, to science. Look what it’s done to religion.

Where would we be without Min Min lights stalking people? Without aliens living inside the hollow Moon? Or Antarctica’s alien crystal city, the US Navy Tic Tac UFO sightings, Roswell, the Bermuda Triangle, ancient astronauts among the Mayans and Incas?

What about our own Freddie Valentich’s disappearance after reporting a UFO while flying off the Otways in 1978?

Fishermen earlier spotted strange lights in the sky off Apollo Bay. A South Aussie farmer reckons he saw a plane stuck to a UFO next morning. A Manifold Heights clairvoyant even told me she’d seen Fred on the other side with other pilots dressed in WW2 outfits.

I once had a North Geelong bloke told me he’d been visited by aliens. He’d seen spaceships over Shell multiple times. Swore it black and blue. Wouldn’t talk about probes, that tells you something.

If you can have frogfalls and poltergeists, and curses and pointing the bone, if you can have spontaneous human combustion, yetis and impossible subconscious memories from hundreds of years ago, then why can’t you have a few UFO sightings over the Belmont Common?

Incidentally, I’ve heard old Granny Clats from the Sawyers Arms used to do a bit of barnstorming there back in the day. So much fake news and AI about these days but try telling me that isn’t true.

By the way, NASA says it didn’t conduct any testing or manufacturing of the Titan submersible that went woomph last week, in contrast to reported comments by OceanGate boss Stockton Rush that it was a co-designer.

I wouldn’t be putting my hand up for that crock, either. It’s hardly got me itching to head off into space in any Bezos or Musk rocket. I’ll stick with little green men, thanks, they seem much better drivers.

And in the meantime, like Eric Idle sings, I’ll “pray that there’s intelligent life somewhere up in space. 
‘Cause there’s bugger-all down here on Earth!”

 

 

You wouldn’t be dead for quids

Above: cartoonist Johannes Leak’s take on the week’s revelations. 

It’s good news week,
Someone’s dropped a bomb somewhere,
Contaminating atmosphere,
And blackening the sky …

Good song from the old one-hit wonder Hedgehoppers Anonymous, even if its 1965 lyrics seem a little dated and, frankly, a bit out there too.

Someone’s found a way to give,
The rotting dead a will to live ….

Doctors finding many ways,
Of wrapping brains on metal trays,
To keep us from the heat …

Yeah, well, the news cycle can be a bit weird. No doubting, though, that some days, some weeks, you just have to love the news train. It’s wild entertainment, pure and simple. Stories are ridiculous, unbelievable, venal, political, self-serving, unprofessional … the whole gamut. Seriously, check it out, you wouldn’t be dead for quids.

Odd that we’ve got all these people worrying about artificial intelligence who seem to forget there’s no shortage of the stuff about already. Fake news? Now or in the future, It’s the real news you want to worry about. The lack of intelligence is withering. Take a look at the carry-on by some of these media sweetheart geniuses recently.

  • US clown prince Trump’s indicted on seven counts relating to classified documents he took home to Mar-a-Lago from the White House. I did nothing wrong, he insists in broken record style. Tell it to the judge. Or better still, go try buy a judge.
  • Lisa Wilkinson and Brittany Higgins are caught out weaponising rape claims to try topple a government. Nope, nope and nope, nothing to do with us, says everyone they targeted, including PM Albo. Yeah, no.
  • Wilko’s then slammed as a racist for ridiculing Jacinta Nampijinpa Price’s name while also proclaiming she has a black cleaner at her home. Priceless.
  • Journo Samantha Maiden, meanwhile, argues nobody deserves having their private phone contents disgorged across the media. Rather than a journalistic or public interest curiosity in the damning contents of the closed-shop $3 million woman’s phone, she’s perturbed at a lack of curiosity about how Higgins’ texts made it to media outlets. Curious and curiouser, as it looks like it’s the one thing Higgins and her cronies didn’t give to the media.
  • Speaking of phone hacking and other tricks, Britain’s clown Prince Harry goes to court on a media witch-hunt but fails to produce one iota of evidence to support some 30-odd media articles he says were predicated on information gathered by unlawful means. Didn’t read about it? You’ll have to wait for the edited Netflix version.
  • Australia’s Reserve Bank, impossibly oblivious to the Federal Government bringing in hundreds of thousands of migrants seeking housing, and jacking prices and inflation skywards, raises interest rates again to further push the prices up. A real Lowe blow.
  • Vocal yokel Pauline Hanson highlights a $4.5bn National Indigenous Australians Agency with 1300 staff she says are already doing precisely what The Voice is meant to do … except we don’t know what The Voice is supposed to do. Polls show PM Albo’s plans are losing traction with the public. But is anyone listening?
  • Loose unit Lidia Thorpe says she’s lodging a racism complaint with the Human Rights Commission against her old Greens party mates. Probably best if it’s ex parte hearing.
  • Dictator Dan Andrews goes all Joh Bjelke-Petersen, banning government adverts in newspapers in a move that will threaten their flagging profits. He says he’ll take his ads to social media and elsewhere. PR genius, not.
  • Melbourne breakfast-for-the-brain masthead The Age cuts its daily editorial opinion columns back to Saturdays and ‘when required’. Herald Sun and 3AW’s Neil Mitchell chortle in their cornflakes while The Age quietly advertises for a deputy opinion editor to come up with ‘bold ideas for columns and columnists’. But not their own masthead ideas. That’s quality journalism for you.

So, yep, it’s good news week all right. Someone’s definitely contaminating the atmosphere … and we didn’t even get on to climate change.

 

Travel Bites: Amazon chill, Lima vultures

Tambopata River, Puerto Maldonado, Peru

IT’S cool down in the jungle. Yes, cold. In the Amazon. But apart from the bizarre temperature for an equatorial jungle, it’s most of the other things you’d expect.

It’s isolated, remote, dangerous, poverty-stricken, primitive, environmentally threatened and scary. It’s also beautiful, diverse, enlightened, even mystical. And it’s sultry.

Cool but sultry. That wonderfully evocative description that takes in leaves so dripping in condensation you’d swear it’s raining, dark thatch huts and hammocks, jungle bars with sour cocktails in sweating glass tumblers.

And it’s also full of nocturnal screeching by unknown species, howler monkeys bellowing in foliage high overhead, deadly bushmaster snakes, leaf-cutter ants and terrifying stinging trees to which adulterers are condemned.

That’s not to forget brilliantly-coloured macaws and toucans, giant river otters, piranha, naked children playing on riverbanks, shamans growing psycho-tropic drugs, riverside gold-mining operations from makeshift canoes, alligators, jaguars, tapirs, parrots and more parrots, waterways that rise 12 metres and more in flood.

 

Lima, Peru

VULTURES. Last thing I expected. And haze. Thick, enveloping haze. Like a bushfire approaching. Thick, close, under-your-shirt haze. Creeping in like a London pea-souper.

Except this isn’t London. It’s Lima, Peru, just a few degrees south of the equator. It should be steaming, hissing, like a busted boiler valve. Instead, the temperature’s a mild mid-20s Celsius. Balmy.

And the setting sun – slumping lazily into the vast watery desert of the Pacific – is a warm, gilded disc, all fuzzy, indistinct, at the edges. A gently vanishing glow, hardly a sunset proper.

Adjudicating over this trick of nature, from the vantage of San Domingo’s steeple, is the wizened black vulture, Coragyps atratus, with a basilisk eye. 

Breathe in. The warm jet-stream rising west of Chile; the abused children’s fate adorning the billboards of this confused, for years even train-less city; the demonic Christian conquistadors of Spain and their legacy ever-present … all are considered under the withering eye of the vulture; cousin of the native Quechuans’ chief totem, the condor.

 And the sunset’s fogged, blotted. Warm, soaking, otherworldly. As if like Peru and its history, perhaps its future, it too has been forgotten by the Fates.

 

When taking offence becomes offensive …

Above: David Rowe’s commentary in the Australian Financial Review

Have to laugh when a bunch of comic administrators can’t see the irony in B-rating a professional cross-dresser for his comments on cross-dressers.

Especially when that cross-dresser is responsible for that bunch’s existence. Talk about biting the hand that feeds. Like the cannibal who ate the comic said: tastes funny.

Definitely something funny going on with the snarky little snub of Barry Humphries by the Melbourne Comedy Festival.

Cartoonist Johannes Leak summed it up neatly with his image of the festival thought police sitting about at a crisis meeting moaning: “We’re a laughing stock.”

Doubt they would have laughed either at David Rowe’s cartoon of Bazza’s alter-egos lined up at the Pearly Gates being told by old Peter to form an orderly queue.

Dame’s Edna’s eyes are popping as Sir Les Patterson, equipped with signature cigarette, drink and blazing erection, jumps queue on Sandy Stone and squeezes in behind her.

“ ’Scuse me for pushing in Edna,” he apologies, his face a lascivious purple not unlike the backside of a rutting baboon. Edna’s set to jump, to use Les’ diction, like a kangaroo bitten on the balls by a redback spider.

Are you with me, Parkie?

Barry Humphries’ disdain for wowsers, the woke PC, the patently unhappy cancel culture, tub-thumping moralists, is having an extended field day right now. He’d be jumping for joy in his grave, if he was in there yet.

Dan Andrews is talking of a State funeral for the comedy giant. He should be thinking of a statue, too. Might want to start thinking about an inscription, as well. Maybe something from Barry Mackenzie:

“I was down by Bondi pier

“Drinkin’ tubes of ice-cold beer,

With a bucket full of prawns upon my knee

“When I swallowed the last prawn,

“I had a technicolor yawn

“And I chundered in the Old Pacific Sea.”

 Probably a bit too Sydney-centric for a Melburnite, though. And glorifying grog, instead of gambling. Maybe something a bit more generic:

“One day I got to reading

“In an old sky-pilot’s book

“About two starkers bastards

“Who made the Lord go crook

“They reckoned it was a serpent

That made Eve the apple take

“Cripes that was no flaming serpent

“Twas Adam’s one-eyed trouser snake.”

Hmmm. Having a go at the Christians. That should get it a run but it’s probably still a bit too close to the humour that made Alvin Purple a hit in 1970s Australia. And Paul Hogan with his dopey drooling over a bikini-clad Delvene Delaney. Or Benny Hill with his cast of buxom, wink wink, co-stars.

Appalling stuff. To think that people used to roll up in droves to theatre restaurants such as Dirty Dicks. And to drive-in theatres with hard porn flicks on giant screens that could be seen for miles around. Hippies danced naked at rock festivals. Nudists made themselves comfortable on beaches.

Aaagh, excuse me, but the Kath and Kim character Sandy Freckle just suddenly came to mind. Shh, don’t laugh. The fun police will get you. Bit like that other farce, No Sex Please, We’re British. That was packing them into the West End way back when Barry Humphries was just hitting his straps.

Bawdy, risqué behaviour has been going on since Chaucer’s time. And the Romans. You should check out what the Greeks were up to. Maybe check a few cave paintings too if you want to get real funny about it all.

Sorry, it’s human nature to get down and dirty. Barry Humphries did all of that, with great skill and humour. He targeted the wowsers and what we’d now call the woke and PC brigades. The stuck-up, self-righteous and up-themselves do-gooders.

And there should be more of it.

As for the transfolk, well, according to Sir Les: “I yield to none in my abhorrence of sexual prejudice. As for some courageous folk who claim that they were born in the body of the wrong sex, Les Patterson has this to say: ‘I’ve been there, guys. I know. I need to get into the body of the opposite sex on a regular basis’.”

Les insists he defends “to the ultimate my right to give deep and profound offence … so long as people laugh while they’re being offended.”

When he was asked do they laugh as much nowadays?

“Oh yes, of course they do.”

Seems, it’s just not at the Melbourne Comedy Festival.

 

Bingeing on science faction

Ascension, by Nicholas Binge, Harper Collins

Pseudoscience stuff’s good clean fun, right?  Why shouldn’t the world’s crust just ripple up and accelerate the movement of land masses like Pangea, Gondwanaland and Pannotia to a couple of million years rather than the eons we thought?

Authors like Graeme Hancock, and more than few psycho creation scientists, will try to convince you it’s all possible, even true. The world’s fossils were all buried in Noah’s cloudburst of 2348 BC. Six days fair slog and a day off on Sunday, all that.

Others writers, like Ian Plimer, are lauded for eviscerating the God-botherer science revisionists with common sense but spurned for doing the same to climate zealots. Yep, science is all good fun until someone loses an eye. But colour its reason and evidence with politics, religion, activism, fraud or other shape-shifting and that’s what you’ll get. And worse.

Nicholas Binge, however, seems more bent on fun than mischief with his Ascension fable of a giant mountain that springs up in the Pacific Ocean, drawing an autocratic monied/warmongering/science-led expedition – it’s a little unclear which for a while – to investigate its singular peculiarities. And he’s having a lot of fun.

Singularity’s probably a better term because there’s a good bit of space-time continuum shape-shifting as Binge coerces a crew of physicists, anthropologists, medicos, biologists, ethicists, mercenaries and explorers onto the mountain and points them upwards.

Strange things are happening, as protagonist Harry Tunmore smartly learns. Old friends can see the future, predict card turns perfectly, amid a catatonia punctuating by ramblings about time, about watching the seconds.  But they self-immolate before exploiting their new skills in the casino.

And they’re the smart ones. So you imagine what the wild-eyed soldiers of fortune make of things as time moves back and forwards, dead people come and go before their eyes, unearthly life forms start as microbes before infecting everything, as alien creatures from beneath the ice attack.

Yep, here there be monsters, as the old cartographers cautioned of uncharted waters. And they’re getting into everyone’s brain as the mountain, a good bit taller than Everest incidentally, lures everyone higher.

Brutal cold, hypoxia, paranoia and open hostility colour the research mission as it moves painfully higher. And the body count mounts as Harry tries to fathom what the devil’s going on, why his personal life is a disaster, how to survive his own expedition members as much as the creatures and why on earth the mountain’s luring them all higher like a physical hunger.

But Harry’s sharp physicist grey matter nuts out what’s going on and how to traverse the monolith. In a fashion, that is, his road map’s an inter-dimensional thingo which leaves a lot to be desired. But like TV’s It’s About Time, never know if you’ll wind up in the Stone Age with Gronk or in New York City, still with Gronk.

The physics, existential philosophy and violence make for a good rollicking yarn. Just don’t ask why Harry’s abandoned his family yet happy to relay his deeply personal story in letters of extraordinary minutiae to his 14-year-old niece. Or why he’s constantly writing them while trying to escape death climbing up a mountain, for that matter.

It’s a mechanism, I suppose. You know the drum. Don’t let reality, let alone facts or science, get in the way of a good narrative. After all, what do those scientists know?

Take the Big Bang, for instance. That’s a once upon a time story if ever I heard one. Here’s a poser for you. What was there beforehand?

Please don’t tell me fairies ….