The world’s on tenterhooks waiting for World War 3 to erupt in the Middle East and if it’s highlighted anything to this scribbler it’s the vulnerability of Australia’s defences.

We couldn’t fight our way out of a wet paper-bag. Couldn’t scare off a seceding Phillip Island.

We can’t even keep up with the Chinese navy when it goes on tour in our waters. We couldn’t supply ships to fight the Houthis because we lacked any anti-drone gear. Basically, haven’t even been able to supply anything more than the occasional electorally-motivated lip service.

The ADF’s immersed in war crimes, sex assaults, hazing, suicides and hacker controversies, even before Trump squawks for more defence spending. Little doubt OzWarInc could do with more cash, and plenty of it.

But how much is enough? What will we do with submarines decades out of date when they’re finally built?

Inexpensive drone-tech is probably our best defence for the time being. Indeed, Ukranians are already trying to teach us a thing or two.

I’m intrigued with the likes of Putin’s daughter, Katerina Tikhonova, and researchers using pigeons as living drones via computer chips in their brains.

Maybe the answer’s there. Load ‘em up with a few crackers, steer them by electrodes and they’ll go 400km a day non-stop. They’ll work for peanuts, plus you could use the tech in other critters, maybe even humans.

Long history of pigeons, not to mention falcons trained against both them and drones, and other animals in warfare.

Hannibal had his elephants but in later life downsized to snakes in ceramic pots he hurled onto the decks of opposing ships in naval battles. Bare-footed sailors didn’t fare well.

Nor did 11th century Vikings tackling an Irish castle amid boiling liquid, rocks and arrow attacks. That didn’t stop them but beehives tossed at them sent them packing in a berserker retreat.

Dolphins and sea lions are handy at detection work. Canaries and mice can detect gas attacks. Horses, donkeys and camels are always useful. Horses have even been flung over castle walls, like that Monty Python cow. Dogs are faithful messengers; the CIA wired their brains trying for remote-controlled assassins.

All sorts of animals have served as mascots: fox cubs, monkeys, cats, pigs. WWII Polish troops had Wojtek the Syrian bear lug shells around for them. Big cat sightings across Australia are sheeted to purported US mascots.

You have to admire research into gyroscopic properties of the humble chook’s innate ability to keep a rock-steady head when all else around it is going nuts.

Likewise, into the translucent properties of abalone shells with a mind to invisibility cloaks and stealth bombers. Geelong’s Deakin was doing that. US Army researcher Herschel Flowers injected himself with cobra venom 30 odd times to build immunity.

Chooks, incidentally, have kept German Cold War nuclear landmines warm underground. And chicken cannons have been fired at the engines, windshields and wings of high-speed military aircraft to test their vulnerability to bird strike. And no, not frozen chickens.

Hats off totally to the optimism of the Royal New Zealand Air Force whose aircraft insignia feature the flightless kiwi.

Of course, mixing animals and ordnance can be problematic. Henry Lawson’s Loaded Dog chasing folks about with the fuse burning on an explosive cartridge in its gob is about as instructive as you should need.

If that doesn’t caution you, google up ‘monkey with a machine gun’ and see what I mean. And no, it’s not someone in Canberra.

This article appeared in the Geelong Advertiser 3 March 2026.