Not quite sure what alternate universe the West’s Ukraine commentariat is living in right now.

Their reports aren’t exactly resonating with any notion of the tough, effective defensive strategy they seem to think the West is pitching against this bloke trying to start World War 3. Putin’s buggering up everything? Sanctions are crippling him? Belated Euro arms support will save the Ukraine?

Really? Doesn’t sound like any of this could blow up pussy. And Russian soldiers are crying in their tanks? The Yanks are banning Russian flights? Seriously, who do they think they’re targeting, four-year-olds?

No wonder, I think, that the ruminations of these observers, experts and strategists are lumped together with the inanities of the sheltered workshop occupied by the world’s celebrities and entitled nuffies.

Media reports of Ukraine casualties, speculation about coming Russian strikes and political mouthings from around the globe sit neatly alongside the likes of US comic Joy Behar’s mangled Italy travel plans, Brit TV mouthpiece Holly Wilbury’s heartbreak trying to explaining it all to her kids, Harry and Murkle standing with Ukraine from the safe redoubt of their megabucks Californian mansion.

It’s pretty lacklustre stuff and I’ll bet my bottom rouble Kiev’s proud as punch of that last one. Where’s a good West Coast wildfire when you need one? Do any of these vacuums know people are being killed?

Sean Penn’s doing a doco as he walks out of the place with a couple of hundred thousand others. Whacko for him. Hilary Clinton suggests Republicans love Putin because he’s anti-gay while Trump calls him a genius. Two US geniuses right there.

Miley Cyrus is twerking in solidarity with Ukraine. That should distract them while they’re being shelled. Actors are bravely gobbing off, some even pledging money as if they believe it will go where it should. Oligarch Roman Abramovich is selling Chelsea Soccer Club and offering the net proceeds to victims of the war. Note the keyword, ‘net’.

It’s marketing over-drive for some of them. Attention deprivation symptoms for others. And it’s a desperately sad indictment on the moral compass of some of our leading lights.

We all know truth’s the first casualty of war. And we expect propaganda from both sides. Sure, but were we expecting the confected outrage and support from the look-at-me big-mouths making up this round of wartime depredations?

Sorry to say it, but too right we were. You could have set your clock to these vapid, self-serving responses. Real stingers but hardly the Stingers Kiev wants to throw at Putin’s army.

You’d like to think this kind of news is tomorrow’s fish and chip wrapping. But sadly, it just goes on and on. Besides, the old newspaper greasies seem one more erstwhile Aussie tradition consigned to history.

Or so I thought.

Exiting a Shannon Avenue fish shop the other night – flake and spring rolls tucked under my arm – I was delighted to find there are still newspapers being used to wrap up your fish shop catch. It was a bit old, admittedly –The Argus of March 23, 1950. It’s a bit hard to wrap up chips in a firewalled website, I suppose, but I’ll take it. No dumb, self-absorbed, pretentious Ukraine commentary.

And I’ve got to say, it was hands-down the best newspaper read I’ve had in yonks. Knocked the Screen Actors Guild bleeding hearts for six. Check out some of the yarns:

• Flying saucers now lighted windows and an intense, blinking light, say two veteran pilots of Chicago-Southern Airlines who reported a saucer at 2000 ft over Stuttgart, Arkansas.
• Fremantle: A suspected case of smallpox was discovered among the crew of the British freighters ‘Blairclova’ which arrived from Bombay this morning.
• Gold-crazy: Thirty-six new mining claims were pegged out in Wedderburn in two hours.
• Lytham St Anne’s Council has stopped a horse club from taking horses to their annual dance. ‘We can’t allow it. Farmers organising dances might want to bring bulls or cows.’
• Norwegian scientists are trying to find if codfish talk to each other when they woo. Armed with microphones, cameras, powerful undersea lamps and recording equipment, the scientists have left Oslo in a research ship …
• Two Frenchman, a Turk and a Canadian-Indian will wrestle in Melbourne; Francois Valais, Leon Miquet, Ali Riza Bey and Chief Thunderbird.

Not a weasel-worded influencer or celeb in sight. And the headlines were treasure-chest howlers, thunderers and hoary old chestnuts.

• ABC tells speakers: ‘No abuse’
• What about a real national celebration?
• Tanks stand by
• Who’ll strike it really rich next?
• He won 10,000 and he didn’t believe it!
• All-night race to save 400 Wagga families
• Mystery man ‘scratched’ Pakenham horse

Yep, good wholesome wrapping-fodder news, maybe the beginnings of a fish shop-led media revolution. Should be more of it. But I wonder what the commentariat and celebs would make of it if they knew where their wisdom was really headed?

Probably choke on their South Melbourne dim sims.

This article appeared in the Geelong Advertiser 8 March 2022